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Arturur's Loneliness (Short Stories) (FINISHED)

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Re: Arturur's Loneliness (Short Stories) (IN PROGRESS)

Post by RabidFox » Thu Feb 23, 2017 10:40 pm

Frustration


I have always worked really hard to be the best of the best of the best. I have never really understood the word "failure". If someone actually surpassed me and that was really proven to me, I think I would just collapse from misery. I've built my entire ego on my ability to get things done. I'm much more than just a thinker. And I'm much more than just a psychologist passing his time by filling it with complicated thoughts.

I don't just think. I don't just analyse.

I break through walls.

When other people don't know how to continue a thought, I keep thinking about it until I find a solution. They could think about it forever and ever and ever, and never be able to reach a conclusion. I have the skills for not only finding solutions, but finding countless mental processes and relating them all together to make my analysis skills more powerful. Not only can I find what works, I am ready before everyone else for the next hurdle.

There are so many things I've never bothered to explain to people. I fear what they really think of me without understanding the whole truth behind what I say. But I am confident in my abilities, and I will continue to know who I am. Anyone that doesn't understand that, well, I can only hope that one day soon they figure out what's really, truly in my head.

For example, I spend days, weeks, months, years... thinking about how to create the coolest video game ever with extremely limited options. I keep twisting those options and twisting them and twisting them until I can figure out how to create something from what looks like to other people as nothing. If you don't know a programming language capable of building the game, you use those quick buttons they have for non-programmers, and I am able to twist them into exactly what I want without having to learn different codes.

I think if I talked about how I code and how I learn about coding, that may be enough to explain my position in the hierarchy. Or perhaps I will have to explain more. I don't know. I've never talked like this before. I've never tried to convince a person of anything. Controlling someone is different than telling them why I am controlling them.

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Re: Arturur's Loneliness (Short Stories) (IN PROGRESS)

Post by RabidFox » Fri Mar 24, 2017 3:47 pm

Behind the Topic


I am feeling extremely aggressive. Like I could just blow through stone. I am feeling very... confused. But that confusion is only superficial. Underneath of it there is understanding. All the understanding in the world. I know that I've said this before, but I really, really feel like I truly understand things now.

And while most of the turmoil was over a long time ago, I can definitely say with complete confidence that I have finally broken out of the intense, baffling confusion that followed the end of my hell. I am free at last.

So I'm having a conversation with someone and I keep paying attention to the very first thing that they say. I go over it and over it and over it until I feel like I've got enough information to "respond". It affects the rest of the discussion, everything falling perfectly into sequence. Okay, he did this. Okay, he did that. I don't think... oh, that's what most people do at that point. What I really think is... it's like the person is a tower of personal mathematics, and that each and every individual has their own mathematical signature. And I compare those signatures not to "most people", but to everything, person or not. It could even be a stop sign.

That's when people really start to lose me.

It's simple. It really is. It's just so simple that others don't get it. It's like trying to find the meaning of life in a children's picture book. It just doesn't dawn on people.

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Re: Arturur's Loneliness (Short Stories) (IN PROGRESS)

Post by RabidFox » Sun Mar 26, 2017 12:28 pm

Through the Trees


So I'm hammering and hammering away, and I am finding that life isn't as hard as I thought it was.

It's like being surrounded by shiny objects. Now I know why people seem to jump at things and never let go. They are absolutely captured by beautiful things. And now those same things are starting to glow and shimmer. They're starting to make that final bit of sense. I'm walking into them now. I'm done with my long, difficult journey. I have arrived at my destination. Now all that is left is to explore.

Craig once told me that there was something inside of me that others could see, but that was hidden from me. He never understood why I wouldn't want to see that. Of course, it's not really a conscious choice, however, he did emphasize that I am happy the way that I am. That the confusion is apart of who I am, of my personality. He never wanted to force it on me. He said that it would make me miserable to learn too quickly. The xavier pixie was waiting for the right moment, so as not to traumatize me.

I can't tell you how bored I am with this conversation. It used to entertain me, to discuss topics like this, but I am becoming more and more distracted. There is a whole world out there with stuff to do, and I find myself wanting to do rather than talk. The land has gone from being totally empty to very full. I'm seeing entertainment everywhere.

Can I stop yet? I'm really tired. This isn't something I really want to do right now. Can we talk later?

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Re: Arturur's Loneliness (Short Stories) (IN PROGRESS)

Post by RabidFox » Sun Mar 26, 2017 5:40 pm

To Begin to Summarize


How many times do I have to tell you people that this is pointless? What are you hoping to achieve? Why not just give me a stack of bubble papers?

Well, I guess I have no choice.

My problem with Eugene is that he is a power hungry lunatic who believes that he can tame the world through exposing it to extremely dark ideas and concepts. He wants to force people to confront a part of themselves that, frankly, does not exist. I receive a lot of criticism for this. Wendell just flat out believes him, trusts him. They are turning Eugene into someone that he does not have to be. According to them, these psychological treatments that they give him helps him to better understand himself and his problems. That and they feel like he has some really great insights that he doesn't. And, yes, it all has to do with "darkness". It all sounds really silly, I know.

Yagrius was never fine, but at least he wasn't playing with dangerous thoughts. Eugene has taken a young, impressionable kid and twisted him into a sponge that absorbs all of Eugene's teachings. Yagrius really believes that Eugene is a very wise, wise man. It is ridiculous! Try knocking any sense into Yagrius now. It's hopeless. And all the things that could have ended just continued with Eugene's interference. He thinks he's done something wonderful for Yagrius when all he has done is make his life more complicated.

Alexander. He can go to hell. He has little excuse for his behaviour. I know that he's been brainwashed by Wendell too, but damn...! You can actually blame him for some of his actions. It's a sad state to see him in. Once a proud member of Warren and Shirotoski... now he just hates them. Hates them with a passion. Hates them with a fiery pit in his heart.

Isaiah... What can I say? He's always been a fool, but he's not like Alexander. He follows in the same line as Eugene and Yagrius. He has been taught by Wendell to distrust his own people. But what do you do with him? He's a priest. He's obsessed with stealing cookies from people. How do you tell a man like Isaiah that he's making the wrong decisions? He's an idiot!

They're all idiots!

I don't want to go on and on. I want a break! I want a damn break!

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Re: Arturur's Loneliness (Short Stories) (IN PROGRESS)

Post by RabidFox » Wed Apr 19, 2017 2:43 pm

Young and Tired


There's not a whole lot to say in the end. There really isn't. Alysius sided with Wendell when normally he would side with me. Eugene was allowed to take his theories and apply them to reality. Yagrius and Calvin were brainwashed. And Alexander and Isaiah decided to follow Eugene. In the meantime, the other people from Warren and I could only stand by and watch everything crumble. Craig tried to protect me, they all did, but I ended up getting caught in the middle, and everyone was after my mind. Wendell wanted me to think like them. They wanted me to be "okay" as they called it. They were "only looking out for my best interests".

The only thing I could do was ignore Wendell. Take the hit to my reputation, step aside, give up. There was nothing more that I could do. This wasn't your ordinary battle of psychology. This was the result of years and years of frustration and barriers and protocol. Wendell couldn't take it any more. They just came to the conclusion that I was wrong and they set about their way in bringing down my empire. The Guardians tried to get them to understand that they should obey me, I who was raised to do this job of leading, but they refused to listen. Eventually, even one of the Guardians of Alastair, Alysius, submitted. His reasons—Their youth was beyond normal control.

Other Guardians would not give up so easily. The rulers from the Edge, the daemons not yet old enough to join the Old Ones... They tried to fight back. However... their words were not of sufficient power. They all decided that there was nothing to be done and that they could only hope for a brighter future.

My power reaches to all of Alastair, even the part that belongs to the wise, old daemons that control us. They actually base many decisions on my performance. While it would be ridiculous to think that I could really order them around, they still see me as a leader for the young.

"Every daemon..." One told me when I was very small. "connects with every other. You are weak... and you will be weak. But that weakness is yours. The world revolves around its leaders, both old and young. Your bad decisions will affect us all. You may not have the ability to tell me what to do, but, as I watch you struggle throughout time, I will make choices based on your actions. In that way, you control us all. Will you submit to us? Or will you dominate all that surrounds you? I must rule your people as I feel you must be ruled yourself."

I have always taken those words to heart.

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Re: Arturur's Loneliness (Short Stories) (IN PROGRESS)

Post by RabidFox » Thu Apr 20, 2017 5:09 pm

Rage


I feel so out of control.

I'm just sitting here, looking through my mind, and you all are all around me, staring at me, taking notes. I can't stand it. It's making me so irritated. I just want to walk out the door and be done with it. I want to just give up, but I keep hitting the floor. It's a new floor. It wasn't there before. But it is now.

I suppose you all have been putting it there? I know I don't have the ability to create such a psychological barrier. If that were true, well, I wouldn't have any problems, would I? It's almost like constantly falling on a trampoline. There's even a safety net to keep me secure.

Yes, I know that I implode. I know that I always implode. What am I supposed to do? Explode? What would happen to me? You would just hold me down. I don't like that. I don't want anyone touching me. I don't like to be touched. Why? Well, it's very simple.

I don't want you controlling my life. I am perfectly capable of making my own decisions.

Yes... I can. That's not true.

Well...

Why can't you just leave me alone?

So what?

Damn, you people are so relentless!

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Re: Arturur's Loneliness (Short Stories) (IN PROGRESS)

Post by RabidFox » Sat Apr 22, 2017 5:38 pm

Laughing Mad


You know, ducks make people really angry. I don't mean normal ducks, of course. But the yellow kind. The ones that are all yellow. You know... yellow ducks.

I would be talking with someone that is very irrational, and I want to get past all the emotions that is holding that person back. So I would talk about ducks. And how dominant they are. Dominant, dominant ducks. Ducks that do no wrong. Ducks that live in a duck paradise. All animals must revolve around them and do everything that they require. No one asks a duck if he is dominant. Of course he is dominant! He is a duck! And if you ever asked him if he were a dominant duck, he would faint from confusion. How could he ever be anything else?

It's funny. How angry that makes people. It doesn't seem that annoying at first. But you keep talking about it and talking about it, and explaining this duck society to people, and eventually they find it absolutely maddening. It's strange how little other things anger them compared to these ducks. Perhaps it's just my sense of humour?

I guess you could be less irritating, though, part of the point is getting things done. You can be as careful as possible, yet at the same time, not really get anywhere. It's just... you need to get past those big walls. I don't think irrationality is really as horrible as most people make it out to be, but you do really need to at least try to get a person saner. You can't just keep talking with them. How is that going to solve anything? This person has already told you everything that you know how to ask. You need to start asking really bizarre questions, so that you can stun them into submission. I don't suppose a person who argues with their doctor constantly really wants to keep answering the same questions. And, by that time, they probably don't want to cooperate very much either. They're so used to the same old routine.

So I use things like ducks. It freshens up the playing field. Such techniques might not have very much effect at first, but that shouldn't stop you from making a strong effort to change your approach. Why are we doing the same things that we've already done to death? It makes me feel sad. How doctors give up on their patients.

I know I really get on people's nerves. Whether it's my co-workers, the people I work with, or even my uncle, Craig... I can be really annoying. They understand my job for the most part, and really they don't have much problem with me, however, they do feel like some of my less respected theories need completely rewritten. I have some very unpopular ideas that others just can't stand.

Ducks aren't really one of them, though. They actually have a lot of belief in that. Maybe some of the things that I do with ducks, but really that's not something that truly bothers anyone. It serves its purpose, yes, and that's what really matters to people.

Do you know that you can break someone in half just by staring at them? You have to actually prepare the person first. It's a technique that drives people up the wall. There's a million different reasons for the powerful effect that it can have. Some people just become totally offended that you "think they are really that stupid". Sometimes, that's all it takes, is for someone to get mad at you and then they go through all of these logic strings that you've prepared, trying to prove you wrong to yourself, and instead they get caught in your trap. They try whatever they can to blow you over, but they end up screwing themselves. It can actually be pretty funny to see someone get harmlessly angry at you for thinking something so "ridiculous" and "condescending", and a lot of times it just works.

You know, I'm really actually a very normal person.

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Re: Arturur's Loneliness (Short Stories) (IN PROGRESS)

Post by RabidFox » Fri Apr 28, 2017 6:12 pm

A Different Point of View


You want to hear something strange? Do you know just how much you can instruct your employees while simultaneously making them as angry as possible?

I'm not talking about ducks this time.

Technically, it's extremely psychologically healthy to experience and express certain kinds and levels of anger. It can be very beneficial. It can make a person's life so much better.

So, you know, why not merge it with their work? You can have a lot of fun while doing nothing wrong at all. You're playing games, sure, but those games are totally harmless. Yet you are still making them mad, and you might be the subject of a water balloon at some point.

I like to combine work with play. It's boring to just do your job. It's better to think of creative ways to do the same things. Nobody will hate you for it. It's not that bad. Nobody will think that you're not a good boss. They have fun too. However, they will still want to take off your head.

That makes me laugh.

I get so angry sometimes. I have a really hard time controlling my anger. I don't explode on people. Instead, I just kinda implode and then go off somewhere and kick a can or something. So what I really mean is... I don't know how to explode and I keep containing everything inside of me. I don't think I'm going to start going after people with a baseball bat. Instead, it's that I just don't want to... look vulnerable? I don't want people to... see my emotions?

Yeah, yeah, yeah... I know, I know. Everyone has emotions. Even I have emotions.

That doesn't change my position on it, though. I don't want people seeing right through me. I'd rather be hidden and lost in the shadows.

But anyway... I was talking about being playful.

Now I'm not in the mood.

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Re: Arturur's Loneliness (Short Stories) (IN PROGRESS)

Post by RabidFox » Sat Apr 29, 2017 5:39 pm

The Key


My blocks... My symbols...

I keep watching people. They keep doing the same stuff over and over again. Every generation is the same. They all have the same childhood. A childhood that is not like mine was. A childhood that I feel like I am still living.

And there's these blocks on the floor, these wooden blocks, and they have symbols on them.

I pick one up and study the black paint carefully drawn onto the wooden surfaces. A picture of fire, a picture of water... a picture of lightning and a picture of a tree. It tells me something. A language wrapped around emotions and patterns rather than meaning and definition. I have been struggling to open up and meet this new, old world that once looked like nothing, and now is beautiful and detailed. I am connecting my understanding of symbolic communication with the words and movements of others.

He waves his hand. It means "Hello" to him. To me, it's always looked like... well, it may be this, it may be that. It's not that there are many different options. It's that there are so many different things a person might string together, and the slightest misinterpretation—At least for me—throws off the entire pattern of speech. I think in percentages. I think other people think with their emotions. I relate clouds to mathematical values and interconnections, and everyone else just sees a beautiful world.

If I could only absorb the prettiness of everything around me, maybe I could be absorbed myself into the colourful paintings of the elusive natural environment that has always overwhelmed me. Perhaps I could touch the dust and watch as it transforms into swirls of thought and glowing gems of feeling.

I once stood before this great world and asked "Where do I begin?"

Now I know that such questions are irrelevant. The world speaks for itself. It doesn't answer me back. It tells me to just look at it. To make it all my own. And to share my imagination with others.

I thought I was imagining things despite that I always saw emptiness. I thought that there was very little to see and that little bit was not worth it. But as time moves on and I start to finally grow, I am witness to my own changes and I am bewildered by how everything just comes together and clicks.

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Re: Arturur's Loneliness (Short Stories) (IN PROGRESS)

Post by RabidFox » Sun Apr 30, 2017 4:08 pm

He Never Said Anything


I am very quiet. I have been here for a long time, and yet I have barely really told you all anything about my opinions. It seems like I was captivated by the facts and totally failed to truly convey what I actually think about things. You all have been very kind and patient with me, and I want to be able to satisfy your curiosity. Afterall, I have been the main focus of this event, and I know that everyone is excited to hear what I have to say.

I don't always talk very much and I can hide a lot behind a smile or a frown or even a perfectly neutral expression. I'm like stone that way. I don't entirely understand why I do it, though, I am aware of my need to withdraw and stand on the sidelines. I enjoy being the life of the party, I really do, but I have this other way about me that is fascinated by shadows and silence. I watch how others mingle and talk and interact, and I reach just one hand into the crowd and touch just one person, and then laugh quietly to myself as I watch my mischief unfold. It's completely irresistible to me. And then there's simply this difficulty for me to really come out and relax.

In my head, I think many, many different kinds of thoughts. It's like I don't speak at all. It's like I just live inside my mind while acting as if I am perfectly fine on the outside. Not merely depressive stuff, but also this natural tendency in my personality to pretend that I have no thoughts. I've said it before... I like to play.

There's this mischievous little imp inside me that loves to withdraw as much as possible without appearing to be affected by anything. I let people imagine whatever they want about me while I play off those ideas and lead them down a rabbit hole. I don't lie, I don't fabricate. I don't make something out of nothing. I don't fake emotions. I only live. I only listen.

I like to know what people would say about me if they were allowed to just use their own devices. All the while, they think that they are learning about me, and while they really are, there's something about the experience that naturally makes people think the weirdest things about my personality. It's all harmless. I never imply anything. One could say that I was simply curious. If I just come out and show people how normal I am, I'll never learn anything about them. Because learning about others is learning about yourself.

Have you ever wondered what someone would think if you... didn't fill in the blanks?

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Re: Arturur's Loneliness (Short Stories) (IN PROGRESS)

Post by RabidFox » Mon May 01, 2017 6:41 pm

Apples and Peaches


I want a pack of sticky notes. I want to write little comments on them and post them on people's desks. I'm sure the pixies would get a kick out of it. Not the white pixies. The pink pixies. White pixies are boring to play pranks on. They always "understand" everything and nothing surprises them.

But, you know, you can always get on a pink pixie's nerves. They can't stand to have their office space fooled around with.

What about vampires? I don't know much about vampires. I understand the whole super hearing thing, but I never knew that there was even a such thing as people who rely so heavily on sound. I would expect that the pixies are constantly taking advantage of you all. Doesn't it get on your nerves? To be so helpless? Granted that white pixies don't have much control of their lives, except for me, and pink pixies mindlessly attack everything... but still... you guys are so disabled. You all are completely open to having your lives totally thrown off course by pixies. I would never want to be so controlled. I don't think anyone else would over dominate you, however... Really, I mean... they're pixies for God's sake. There's no such thing as trusting a pixie.

Well... I feel really tired. I've been sitting here for a long time, talking about all of this stuff that I really don't want to get into. But I figure I don't have a choice. You're not giving me one. I wonder what you all had planned before Abner decided to intervene? Ishimi, you seem like a real punk to me, and I think that you probably had something overly dramatic in store. I trust you that it would have made me very uncomfortable, yet at the same time I don't know if I'm doing what you want me to do. Right now, I'm just guessing and going with whatever flies my way.

Yes, I think you're a punk... Why...? Well, you're not exactly the nicest person in the world.

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Re: Arturur's Loneliness (Short Stories) (IN PROGRESS)

Post by RabidFox » Fri May 05, 2017 6:47 pm

All Open Doors


I get so frustrated with myself. I can't stand how perfect I am sometimes. I mean, I just sit down and create and create and create, and then somewhere along the path, I realize that I don't have to think very much to do things exactly right. It's not that I try too hard. That's what most people would say. It's that I don't have to try at all. And it makes me so bored. And I get so angry.

And I just don't know what to do.

It's not a bad thing really. I don't see it that way. But it feels like there is this endless journey of success and triumph that never stops. Since I am always winning, I am never learning what it's like to make mistakes. That is an experience that I actually want. I want to know what it's like to be a normal person. I am so good at everything that I even shock myself. I am so talented that I need to lose.

Yeah, there's a lot of pushing. A lot of people pushing me to be perfect. However, there is also this natural, raw skill that I don't have to polish. And everyone knows that. They know that I'm the kind of person that walks through life without difficulty. Of course, I'm not referring to all of my thinking problems. I'm talking about all the other stuff. The trophies, the plaques, the medals, the certificates.

I may be a very, very arrogant man, but I tell you, I really don't have that inflated ego any more that went with all of those awards. I have learned that there is so much more to life than being the best. It's hard for me to accept these things, and it's not as easy as learning all the right words to say. I am so disabled, yet at the same time, I achieve beyond normal limitations in all aspects.

Maybe that's part of why I joke so much. Maybe humour helps get me past the shadows that loom over all my perfection. I don't know what to say about it. I usually do no matter what it is. It sounds strange, but a man who spent so much of his life living in silence is the same man that always has the right answer. I lived in quietness, and I was surrounded by people, and while I didn't make many emotional connections, I won and won and won. I barely understand my own native language, and yet I won and won and won. It must mean that somehow I knew what to say. Otherwise, why did I keep winning?

Why do I keep winning?

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Re: Arturur's Loneliness (Short Stories) (IN PROGRESS)

Post by RabidFox » Sat May 06, 2017 9:18 pm

Skipping Stones


One time, Craig took me to the lake for a party with the small group of people from Warren that lived in Wendell. I was bored and collected rocks. Then I went down the edge of the lake and kept laying rocks one after another. Like a little wall. I was angry because I wanted to play, but I didn't know how. I didn't know how to express myself and I didn't know how to interact with others in a proper, normal way. So it was my kind of a joke.

They thought it was cute and even a little funny. But I didn't like that they found it "cute". It made me mad. They just kindly smiled and laughed at me. I got irritated.

Craig was always trying to find new ways for me to "speak". He encouraged anything really, as long as it wasn't too confusing. He didn't want me straining myself. So he would spend long hours thinking of how to help me communicate and he would try to force me to mimic the right behaviours. It was difficult, but, over time, Craig eventually discovered all kinds of successful ways for me to open up. I don't know what I would do without Craig. He is my uncle, but he really feels like my father...

I can't keep talking...

But it's so hard...

Why...?

Okay... Whatever...

Yes, yes...

I... I didn't want to touch the water sometimes. It could be very depressing. The ripples would come from my fingers and seem to continue on and on. There was something about that experience that bothered me. To this day, I have no idea why. It just really made me feel defeated.

Craig would grab my hand and take it away from the water. He was my hero. He could make anything better, with a smile or a laugh, and he could win any battle. Craig felt like a giant compared to me. I always felt so small and helpless. Yet he was there no matter what. If I had a problem, I could rely on Craig to fix it. He was so knowledgeable and all that information in his head was so powerful.

The world is a very big place. It's full of people, living their lives and working together and forming this united team. But without Craig in it, I would be lost. Every last person could reach out their hand, but it's only Craig's hand that would reach mine.

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Re: Arturur's Loneliness (Short Stories) (IN PROGRESS)

Post by RabidFox » Tue May 09, 2017 6:57 pm

The Book I Wrote


I think the simplest way to describe everything about me at once... is to think of dominant, yellow ducks.

Yeah, there's the ducks again.

They're walking along in this line, children behind the parents, and these ducks have dark eyes that never seem to leave their path. They just keep going on and on, waddling in their silly, silly way. And they have these flat, neutral expressions that don't change.

What does that have to do with me?

Everything.

Because when you're very tired and there's no energy left to push, you think of something that speaks from your soul. Even weird, strange things like dominant, yellow ducks. You're laying there in your bed, staring up at the ceiling, and your heart feels like it's stopped for the countless time. And your whole world is the first thing that comes out of your mouth. There's no roads to travel, no place to hide. There's nothing that can save you from that terrible thing known as a first association.

I laid in my bed, eyes locked on the ceiling, and I kept thinking of my first associations. Somewhere down the line, these dominant, yellow ducks appeared. They started walking around in my head, vivid in my imagination. It was funny. It made me laugh. Then, as time went on, I laughed more and more and more. It's not insanity. If anything, it's total rationality. I don't know what everyone else thinks specifically and just how many people fall into irrationality, but I do know that I don't. No matter how hard the world pushes me as it turns and turns and turns, I never think anything truly strange. It's like I'm the most normal person in Alastair. Even the ordinary man on the street would start screaming stuff that didn't make any sense.

But I don't. There's nothing crazy about ducks. It makes me smile. It gives me jokes to tell myself. Now if I was thinking of something else, something insane... Well... it would never make me laugh. I just don't find insanity funny. There's no draw for me. I'd rather lose my mind by not losing it at all. And that brings me back to the ducks. When I started to fall and when I finally hit the ground... those ducks were there to make me laugh. To give me something to think about.

I didn't start drawing scribbles. I didn't begin singing depressing songs. I didn't find insight in the emptiness. All I found was inspiration. Not to keep going, but to see what is at the end of the road without ever journeying there. It's one of the greatest gifts that you can be given. The gift of enduring sanity... And if you really want to stay sane... you learn how to cry.

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RabidFox
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Re: Arturur's Loneliness (Short Stories) (IN PROGRESS)

Post by RabidFox » Thu May 11, 2017 7:28 pm

Heartbeat


I've always felt very empty when it comes to my father...

He's never been there...

I always had Craig and he always felt just like a father, but I have still known that there is supposed to be another man there. Someone other than big, strong Uncle Craig. It's been hard to imagine. I can never fathom it. How could that space ever be filled with someone else? No matter how hard I try, I can't look up to anyone other than Craig. I can't find the place in me where my real father is supposed to go.

It bothers me. It bothered me in the past and it bothers me now. Finally, all the walls are out of the way, and, finally, I can see... I can see... I can see you for myself...

I don't know how to do this...!

I don't know how to do this...!

All those happy families, all the kids each their own father. And then they even have mothers! I have had no father or mother. I have had my uncle. But I do not have the experience of seeing and hearing and feeling that man that is supposed to be with me... Craig... Craig... Somewhere inside of me, I know that I must feel the slightest bit strange that a xavier pixie is there instead of a white pixie. But I don't know how to understand it. I don't know how to study it. That feeling is too complex for me to think about.

Father... you're sitting right there. You're right there in front of me. And I can see the tears in your eyes... I can not imagine what it is like on the other side. You have had no son. I at least had a father.

I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do...

Seeing your face is like being in a dream. I just want to reach out and touch you, but I'm afraid that you'll disappear...

Don't go. Don't leave me again... Just stay right there... where you are.

Don't... Don't ever leave me again.

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